By David K. Shipler
The
Shipler Report has obtained an internal memo from Susie Wiles, President
Trump’s chief of staff, announcing a significant exception to a standing order.
The reversal pertains to statements on religion.
Previously, and in multiple
reminders, Wiles had warned staff and Cabinet secretaries against upstaging the
president. Now, she wants them to do just that. She is known as the most candid
of Trump’s inner circle, hence her direct language.
On January 21, 2025, the day after
Trump’s second inauguration, she wrote: “You must not publicize yourself, take
credit for successful actions, or hint that major policy initiatives
originated anywhere other than the President’s fertile imagination—otherwise
known as his mind. You may not make public statements more outlandish than the President’s,
or that provoke either more applause or more outrage than whatever the
President has ignited. He is the Force, and no one of you must ever portray
yourself as more inspiring, more energizing, or more appalling than him.”
Then, in
early March of this year, Wiles issued this terse message to the Cabinet: “Kristi
Noem didn’t get the memo.” Days later, Noem was fired as Secretary of Homeland
Security after spending $220 million on TV ads that featured herself, decked
out in a cowboy hat, riding a horse in rugged terrain like a marshal come to
bring order to a turbulent land.
Last week, after
Trump trash-talked Pope Leo XIV (“WEAK on crime and terrible for Foreign Policy,”)
Wiles sent this urgent memo:
MEMORANDUM TO CABINET
MEMBERS
April 13, 2026
TO: CABINET SECRETARIES
FROM: SUSIE WILES, WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
SUBJECT: RELIGIOUS EXCEPTION TO MEMORANDA OF JAN. 21, 2025,
MARCH 30, 2025, JULY 4, 2025, AND MARCH 3, 2026
The White
House, noting the President’s recent condemnation of the Holy Father, hereby
reverses its previous order that staff and Cabinet Secretaries refrain from
statements more excessive or inflammatory than the President’s. On the matter
of religion, and on that topic only, Secretaries are instructed to fashion remarks
that are actually more extreme, more outrageous, and more arrogant than the
President’s. We acknowledge that this could present a challenge. But it is
vital in maintaining the President’s (self-) image as a stable genius.
Everything is relative, as we know. The Vice President, who cannot be
commanded, much to the President’s dismay, is nevertheless encouraged to speak
in this vein as well.
I.
For example, it is recommended that the Vice
President lecture the Holy Father on theology, notwithstanding Mr. Vance’s conversion
to Catholicism just seven years ago and his lack of formal theological
education. Most voters will not know this, and they will not know that Pope Leo
was educated at the Catholic Theological Union in Chicago and studied Canon Law
at the Pontifical University of Saint Thomas Aquinas in Rome. [Vance, following
the advice, then
said, “I think it is very, very important for the Pope to be careful when
he talks about theology.”]
II.
Secretary of War (and Expeditions) Pete Hegseth
is instructed to continue his fashioning of the Iran conflict as a holy war.
His analogizing the pilot rescue on Easter to Christ rising is just the kind of
statement that is valued as a way to cast the President, by comparison, in a
more reasonable light—grounded, shall we say. Praying at the Secretary’s Pentagon
press conferences, citing God’s blessing on our troops, and declaring His lack
of mercy on the enemy are off-the-wall statements endorsed by the White House. It
would also be helpful to call the Iranian Muslims “enemy infidels who are destined
for hell”—again, to help the President to be seen as moderate. Or to quote a fake
Bible verse from a movie. [Hegseth took the advice. He
quoted a mostly made-up passage from the film Pulp Fiction as if it were from
Ezekiel. And he likened
himself, his troops, and the administration to a healing force, with “Trump-hating”
reporters as Pharisees, an ancient Jewish sect, who were “only looking for the
negative” when they witnessed Jesus heal the sick. “Our press are just like
these Pharisees,” Hegseth declared.]
III.
President Trump’s posting of an image of himself
like Jesus, healing the sick, will be difficult to top, but it might inspire
some of you to come up with another outrageous AI concoction. The purpose,
again, is to make the President seem rational and cogent by comparison. A
warning, however: Do not portray yourselves as God. Remember, the President
does not like being relegated to inferior status, and you would undoubtedly
depart soon thereafter to the Cabinet afterlife, wherever that might be.
Good luck negotiating these treacherous waters. Please contact the office of the Chief of Staff with any questions.
This is satire. It’s all made up (except for the quotes
from Trump, Vance, and Hegseth), a disclosure made necessary by the absurdity
of current reality, which prevents lots of people from telling the difference
between truth and fiction.
